12-30-16– the day I wrote this
Divorce is weird. It’s a more intense breakup, where there is equal parts relief and sadness. Sometimes I miss Clay so much I cry unexpectedly, or want to curl up in a ball and come out when he comes back. When I have to interact with him, which is only sporadically, thankfully, tears inevitably start to flow while we are talking, and then I sob, alone, afterwards. Big, ugly crying sobs.
Sometimes I am so lonely for the companionship that a romantic relationship has always promised me, but never quite delivered. I wonder if it’s a deficiency in me, or in the men I have chosen. Or if the deficiency lies in neither I nor them, but in that nebulous in-between, that belongs to neither of us and both of us simultaneously, which is the relationship that we create.
My loneliness is assuaged by my friends and family, as well as my constant companion, my brindle dog Rhea. It’s hard to continuously put myself out there and seek companionship, but my friends and family are my boons and saviors, as they always have been. I regret my deficiencies in these areas as well, the sporadic contact I maintain, the un-involvement in the daily mundane details of their lives, which are so important to them, so important to me.
I throw myself into work, projects, life; sometimes with a full passion, sometimes half-heartedly. I find myself tired lately, worn down. Not sad, not happy, somewhere in between. Mostly just tired, as if the past 4 or so years of my life have exhausted me.
It’s been a rough year.